Yelpaholism

So someone on Yelp made a post for "Why I love Portland" and it was subsequently followed up by a "Why I hate Portland" for balance.  On it, I found people crying about slow drivers, bikers without helmets, bikers in general, hippies, hipsters, parents that don't spank their kids, kids that weren't spanked by their parents, alcoholism's social acceptance, bums with their bum-like activities... etc.  I'll be honest, I complain about ALL of these things as well.  So I decided to reply to this thread.  Here is my reply:

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Phil "The Underwater Basket Weaver" S. says:
Where's the Haterade, give me a swig....
Ahh, much better...


I hate the passive aggressiveness that leads to people Yelping their discomfort.  Who wants to organize a naked run/bike ride from the Koin Tower to Pioneer Square to express our hate?  We can then go to VooDoo and then drink our sorrows away at Shang Hai Tunnels.  When we're done, we can gather at the "Keep Portland Weird" sign, lace arms over shoulders and sing "Kumbaya"


Note: No helmets please
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So other people had some interesting posts to this thread that I wish I could publicly, and directly, reply to... so instead, I'll just post my response here:

Californian #1: No more food carts please. Whenever I'm craving unhealthy food that wasn't even very good and have it prepared by a dirty, hung over hipster douchebag, I'll just cook it myself.
Reply: If I want unhealthy food that isn't even very good and is prepared by a dirty, hung over hipster douchebag, I'll come to your place.


Californian #2: Parents who keep their kids on leashes. They're not dogs. If you wanted a dog, you should have bought one.
Reply: Who let you off of YOUR leash?


Californian #3: Bud, my toilet is sweating! Like a glass of ice water. You can see it dripping from the sides of the tank. This is a crazy phenomenon i've never seen. And it's really annoying. Not sure how to go about fixing it.
Reply: Best fix for this problem: Go get a glass of man the **** up and deal with it.  It also will work for most other problems you may encounter.


Californian #4: I hate that everyone hates californians.  What's so wrong with us?
Reply: It's just temporary hostility, it'll end when you go home.


Californian #5: I hate seeing the woman at my favorite coffee shop breast feeding her 4 year old son
Reply: Jealous?  It's the circle of life and apparently your mother failed at stopping it... and now we all have to live with her shortcoming.


Oregonian #1: the weather here is perfect.
please move back to california.
Reply: Thank you!  If people did that, this thread wouldn't exist.